I know, mom, I haven't posted anything in over a month. We'll see how I feel about blogging in the future but for now, allow me to open my mouth and word vomit all over my little space on the internet.
I'm pregnant. Knocked up with #2. I found out in early November and was so scared. It's not like we planned this but we didn't really unplan it either. Eve kept asking for a baby, like a real one, so we thought, "well, better get on that."
Squish was outside playing with Eve and I walked out and told him. He was so happy. That made all those crappy scared feelings go away. I think I saw a tear in his eye but I can't be 100% sure...ah hell, we'll just say he cried. He doesn't read here. He can't correct me.
I wanted to wait to tell everyone. Hell, I wanted to wait until I told anyone. I was so terrified of losing this little life that was growing inside me. I just wanted to hold it in and protect it. It's like I knew what was at stake now. I know that mother's love, the love I have for Eva. I already have it for little Squish #2 and I just couldn't stand the thought of losing it.
So we waited. We told the parents and some super special snowflakes but I just kept it quiet.
Until I saw him*.
For the first time since I got that little "+" I cried happy tears. Real, true tears of joy. He was so beautiful and perfect. He waved and danced and all was right with the world.
I'm 12 weeks now. Hopefully I'm getting close to be over the pukey feeling. I don't get sick (didn't with Eve either) I just get irrationally emotional and nauseous all.the.time. I'm due July 19...three days before Eve's fourth birthday. That's been my biggest worry. I want her to have her special day and I'm afraid I won't be there for her. She is super stoked, though, to be a big sister. She can't decide if she wants a brother or a sister. Initially, she told us she wants both (selfish little thing she is) but now she just goes back and forth.
Ah, we shall see.
So that's where my head is and has been for the past month or so. I'm having a hard time processing my feelings about being a mom of two. I look at people who have like five or six kids and I just think "wow, how do they do that?!" I'm constantly stressed about having just the one.
But if this little midget is anything like Eva Carlene (and OK, even if he's not) then it's clearly worth it.
*No, I don't know if it's a him or a her. I can't stand calling a fetus "it."